Confessions of Hermione Granger
by Slytherin Sugababes
Summary: Hermione Granger tells all, be warned it's not pretty. rated r for language and future 'activities'
1. My own cat ate my good luck

Chapter One - My own cat ate my good luck!  
  
Tuesday 27th August  
  
01:00pm I decided today that I would start packing for my seventh and final year at Hoggy Warty Hogwarts. I discovered however that I need a new uniform, due to 'hormone changes', as my father likes to call it. Honestly why he can't call it a 'much needed growth of breasticals' is beyond me. I did wonder if I should wear the too tight and way too short skirt just to see Ron's 'reaction'. Another hormone change I think! Ah ha! Operation make Ron get a bone on starts now! Hmmm first day make up . . . . . slut or tramp????  
  
02:30pm Can't decide how to have hair so that I appeal to Ron the most. Found out I look like McGonagal when I tie my hair up, wonder if Ron likes old macca?? My shirt doesn't button up properly, I think I may give Dumbles a heart attack if I walk in doing an impression of Britney Spears Hit me baby one time. Better go Diagon Al then.  
  
08:30pm Draco Malfoy saw me in my bra!!!  
  
08:32pm It was a red satin one!  
  
08:35pm He winked at me, walked over, squeezed my hormone changes and made a honking noise like a goose!!!!!!!!  
  
09:30pm I do not know whether to be embarrassed or laugh because he thinks breastical honking is a turn on.  
  
12:00am Draco Malfoy saw me in a red satin bra, I am definitely embarrassed  
  
~ * * * * ~  
  
Wednesday 28th August  
  
10:00am Woke up, was happy until mother reminded me this time next week I will be in my first class. I chucked a spoonful of porridge in her briefcase as a punishment for depressing me. Of course there was a time when that thought excited me to the point I practically had an orgasm. The shame. No wonder the first person I ever kissed was Viktor bloody Krum, he was soo slimy. Eew never kissing a Bulgarian again. Plus he was going to tell dumbles about my work summoning charm. Basically you summon the perfect piece of work from your teacher's mind, quite clever really, I made it myself. And I haven't been caught once so far.  
  
01:00pm my last comment was bad, I searched my whole garden for a four leafed clover but there are none. So I threw salt over my left shoulder and was in the process of turning around seven times when crookshanks came and licked the salt up.  
  
05:30pm my own cat ate my good luck  
  
09:00pm I am completely out of Sleekeazees hair potion mark 2 (for everyday use). I didn't find out until after i washed my hair so now I look like hagrid got attacked by an evil kami karzi comb. Bloody marvellous!  
  
09:10pm Early night, must go Diagon Al tomorrow v. early before anyone actually sees me ALA hagrid. And laughs. Loudly.  
  
10:00pm Mother woke me up to say 'goodnight'. Honestly the woman has teeth for brains. As she was going out she said, 'hermy dear, your hair could do with a good brushing'.  
  
11:30pm when I graduate I will turn my mother into a giant nose hair and stuff her up Snape's nose.  
  
12:00am Snape, stuffing, same sentence, I am mentally scarred for the rest of my life!  
  
A/N well here's chappie one hope ya like it. Please review, next chapter may take a while as I am going on holiday on Saturday for a week.  
  
Oh and I don't own any characters. They ALL belong to Lady Jo of Rowling. 


	2. Height is definitely NOT proportional to...

Chapter 2 - Height is definitely NOT proportional to length!  
  
Saturday 31st August  
  
12:30pm Just finished watching nostril hairs (aka mother) checking my trunk, she still insists upon it. Anyway she found my cactus shaped condom. I told her it was ameasuring device for liquefied spine of warthog. She bought it as well! I am just glad she will never meet Snape. I have images of her handing over hundreds of condoms saying, "my sister works in a chemist - I can get these reduced." Oh the horror.  
  
4:30pm Dad came home, mum told him about the strange measuring devices I am 'forced' to use in Potions. He thought it was outrageous. I wanted to scream, "I AM NOT A VIRGIN! I LOST MY V WHEN I WAS 15!!" You don't always get what you want though.  
  
5:00pm I have just had the mental image of Snape wearing the cactus shaped condom, and ONLY the cactus shaped condom. Heh heh heh - Snape in a tutu. Ha ha oh Lordy - Ron in a tutu.  
  
10:30pm being made to go to bed stupidly early because I have to actually get up in the morning.  
  
**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**  
  
September  
  
Sunday 1st September  
  
10:30am Got rid of my parents easily enough, I'm sat in a secluded compartment. On my bill, my friends haven't arrived yet, so that's Harry and Ron then. Speaking of Ron my 'operation' involves me wearing a fitted black top with a zip through it, with nothing on underneath it - I may just show Ron this. (A/N sound familiar to any one? Any one out there at all?) And very low hipster jeans with a purple butterfly thong quite visible, I may bend over and show Ron the butterfly. (A/N again ringing any bells??)  
  
11:10am The lads finally arrived just as the train was pulling out of the station. Ron had a very swelled black eye and Harry had a rather suspicious red patch on his knuckles. I'm gonna ask Harry later after I get him drunk - he'll tell you anything then. Including the fact he once saw him in the shower at the quidditch changing rooms and 'height is definitely NOT proportional to length!'  
  
1:30pm I was planning on letting Ron suffer until I realised with only one eye my chances of operation boner were greatly reduced. So I gave him some ointment. The operation however is proving to be harder than I thought, I have bent over getting the ointment, I am sitting as close as humanly possibly to Ron and my zip is getting lower and lower. But the bastard is asleep, so is Harry but that's ok because I just found out something. Harry Potter talks in his sleep, quite amusing actually, he just muttered "Fucking scruffy Weasel" now I'm really curious what did happen??????  
  
3:30pm Harry still asleep, Ron has 'gone to the bathroom'. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  
  
3:40pm Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  
  
3:45 HA!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
10:15pm Just got back from the feast, I've told Harry to meet down here in ten minutes so I'll just update you on the 'amazingness' of the train journey. First off Operation:boner was a great success, the trolley dolly came and I got a chocolate frog which jumped in between Ron's legs so I offered to 'fish it out'. I spent an awful loooong time trying to find that 'darned froggie' and when I did Ron said in his high pitched I'm-afraid-of- spiders-voice as Harry likes to call it, that he was going to the bathroom and walked off very awkwardly. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! It was sooo much fun I think I may have to do it again. The making Ron stiff not fishing around in his nether regions. Oh and how could I forget my daily helping of Dracus Malfoyin. God! He'd be completely shagable if he wasn't so well . . . . strange! You see, as I was walking towards the bathroom when from out of nowhere a long knobbly stick was put down my jeans. I turned around and was face to face with Draco Malfoy, I realised it was his wand down my jeans, and for once I was completely speechless. He started laughing like a maniac (I think it was an impression of Lord VoldieLocks) and poking my in the arse with his wand! So I stepped away shaking my head got his wand out my pants and walked away, a couple of seconds later he was behind me poking in the arse again. That was when I snapped, "Look honky honkerson if you are not a haemorrhoid, GET OFF MY ARSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Which was, of course a stupid thing to say and now he has spread around the entire school that I have piles. What I wonderful life I have!  
  
A/N: thers chapter 2 sorry it took so long but I have been away and been really busy I will have chappy 3 up really really soon because I know how annoying authors who don't update are. Anyways thanks to my ~cough~ 3 reviewers, harryforeva cold*fire and 'helga' love you guys  
  
Oh and I don't own anything, they all belong to Lady Jo of Rowling 


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